We’ve all heard the saying “Forgive and forget” but giving forgiveness is easier said then done. We’ve all experienced grievances in the workplace, right?

“A co-worker got credit for work I did.”

“My boss blatantly lied to me to get me to do his dirty work.”

“An outsider got the job I wanted rather than me getting the promotion I deserved.”

Even though in our hearts (if we adhere to Christian teaching), we know we should forgive, and maybe we tell ourselves we did, but sometimes that sting still lingers.

Not long ago I read a book called Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin, a professor and researcher at Stanford University. I picked it up because I knew I had some unresolved feelings about a situation and no matter how much I prayed and told myself I’d forgiven this person, I still felt wounded.

What I learned from Luskin is that when we feel the way I did, we create a grievance story, and that story is taking up precious space in our head.

Here are five major things in the book that resonated with me:

How do you know if you have a grievance? 

There are four questions that Luskin poses, and he says that if you answer yes to any one of them, you likely have a grievance “that is renting too much space in your head.”

Those four questions are:

• Do you think about this painful situation more than you think about the things in your life that are good?
• When you think about this painful situation, do you become either physically uncomfortable or emotionally upset?
• When you think about this situation, do you do so with the same old repetitive thoughts?
• Do you find yourself telling the story about what happened over and over in your mind?

What is forgiveness?

Luskin defines it as “the experience of peace and understanding that can be felt in the present moment. You forgive by challenging the rigid rules you have for other people’s behavior and by focusing your attention on the good things in your life as opposed to the bad.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or denying that painful things occurred. Forgiveness is the powerful assertion that bad things will not ruin your today even though they may have spoiled your past.”

I especially like that Luskin challenges the assertion that we need to forget. Years ago, when I had a direct report who screwed up and apologized, I would often think to myself, “I’ve forgiven her, but I’m not going to forget, because I need to keep watch to make sure this doesn’t become a pattern.” Of course, I may not have been taking it personally that she had screwed up. Feeling personally aggrieved is what makes forgiveness so hard.

What is not forgiveness?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that another person had the right to hurt you or that he or she is getting away with it. It doesn’t mean we give up our right to feel angry or mistreated.

We don’t condone what they did to us and we don’t excuse their bad behavior. And it doesn’t even mean that you must reconcile with the offender.

How will forgiveness help us? 

In his research, Luskin has found that “forgiveness helps people control their emotions so they maintain good judgment. They do not waste precious energy trapped in anger and hurt over things they can do nothing about.”

One of the points that Luskin makes is that if you dwell on what happened, you’re giving the offender power over you. I dislike the idea that a person who has hurt me still retains power over me, don’t you? I want to feel strong, not wounded.

What are the steps to forgiveness?

Luskin offers a nine-step process to forgiveness. Here’s a brief summary: You start by understanding exactly how you feel and why what happened was not ok. You move into committing to do what you need to do to feel better, and understanding what forgiveness is.

From there, you move into practicing ways to deal with the stress of how you feel, and changing your expectations of people who won’t give you what you want. You look for other ways to get your goals met, and “remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.” Luskin reminds us that forgiveness is about personal power. And at that point, you can amend your grievance story “to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.”

You can read all nine steps on his website here.

I hope that reading this blog may help you move on if you’re feeling aggrieved. I know I’m keeping these steps in mind.

I want to add a caveat here, related to the #metoo movement. I think anyone who has been physically or sexually abused absolutely should seek for the abuser to be punished. Likewise anyone who commits a crime should face legal repercussions. For victims of abuse, I know it may take an unfathomable amount of courage to come forward and tell authorities what happened and go through the legal process. It’s then up to that person to decide how it’s best for her or him to heal.  This blog is not for those situations necessarily although I can see how Luskin’s techniques could be helpful.

Are there times that you have felt hurt about a situation that happened in your workplace or personal life? How did you move on? If you haven’t moved on, will these tips help you?